Campaign Announcement

It is with deep regret that I announce my with­drawal from the cam­paign for the 2012 Repub­li­can nom­i­na­tion for the office of Pres­i­dent of the United States.

I know that with the intense press cov­er­age and inves­tiga­tive jour­nal­ists delv­ing into every aspect of my back­ground, even­tu­ally it’s going to come out — so I might as well get out in front of this story and fall on my own sword. No more stalling or hiding.

You see, I speak French. 

Yes, yes, I know. By admit­ting this pub­licly, I under­stand that many old friends will no longer par­lez avec moi, if you know what I mean (and I’m sure many of you clos­eted types do). I know that I could prob­a­bly pass as some­one who only speaks Eng­lish, but I prob­a­bly also speak that lan­guage too well to be Pres­i­dent. I might be able to get away with it for awhile, pre­tend­ing that I never heard of Jacques Brel (who was actu­ally Bel­gian, mais on n’encule pas les mouches, n’est-ce pas?), act­ing as if I never drank Per­rier or ate quiche, maybe buy a bowl­ing shirt with “Mark” (not Marc!) stitched above the pocket.

Oh yes, I could laugh at Pepé Le Pew (“What is this? Oh, but of course. This lit­tle one wish to com­mit sui­cide to prove her love for me. What a sweet ges­ture. Nev­er­the­less, I must pre­vent it.”)  I could hide my beret, my Edith Piaf records, my accor­dian, and stop eat­ing snails. I could pre­tend to con­fuse Truf­faut with truf­fles. I could fait sem­blant to dis­ap­prove of adul­tery. I could stop drink­ing kir royales. But I wouldn’t be fool­ing anyone.

Even­tu­ally, I would be found out. Newt would point to my son’s name (Maxime Charles Auguste) or that I wear a Cartier watch or that I have opin­ions about wine, have read Sten­dahl en fran­cais, and watched Le Qua­tre Cent Coups sans sous-titrage.

French speak­ers are allowed to serve in the mil­i­tary. They’re even allowed to marry. (I should know.) But we have not yet evolved to the point where a French speaker can become Pres­i­dent. Thus, sadly, I must with­draw. But our cause, mes enfants, lives on.